The Internet Dating Saga

Okay, I can't resist the temptation any longer. WTF is it with guy's profiles? Like the aforementioned dead fish pictures weren't bad enough (honestly, do you know any woman who would be squirming in delight at the thought of dead stuff? And if you do, get off my blog!!). But to follow it with the most cliched, awful, badly spelled poo ever is just inexcusable.

Today's delights.

This guy describes himself as 42 and a 'sparky'. Not too sparky in the cerebral region, obviously. The caps are all his. Really.

IM AN EASY GOING LAID BACK PERSON, I`VE GOT AMBITIONS TO TRAVEL LOADS OVER THE NEXT FEW YEARS THO! CAUSE I HAVNT HAD ANY DESCENT HOLIDAYS FOR A LONG TIME AND THERE IS STILL LOADS OF PLACES I HAVNT BEEN TO THAT I WANT TO VISIT.

Whadafuh is a 'descent' holiday? Abseiling perhaps?

IM NOT LONG OUT OF A 5-YEAR RELATIONSHIP SO NOT LOOKING TO RUSH STRAIGHT BACK INTO ONE, BUT I ENJOY FEMALE COMPANY COZ THERES ONLY SO MUCH U CAN DO WITH YER MATES!

Whoopwhoop! Rebound! Rebound!! I'm presuming what he can't do with his mates involves his willy. Unless he has *really* understanding mates.

AND FEMALES HAVE ALWAYS GOT A DIFFERENT ANGLE/OUTLOOK ON THINGS WHICH IS GOOD.

He won't understand that different outlook, but it's good that we have it anyway. Hurrah.

MY BEST ASSET IS MY ASS I THINK! I`VE BEEN TOLD A FEW TIMES I HAD A NICE ASS, BUT THEN I READ IN A MAGAZINE THAT WOMEN SAY THAT TO A GUY COZ THEY CANT SEE ANYTHING ELSE GOOD ABOUT THEM HA HA, EGO DE-FLATER OR WHAT?

Personally, I can't see that someone complimenting you on your charming donkey could be anything but lovely. Unless you mean your arse? Then yes, they probably are saying it because you have a face like a burglar's dog. Sorry. There's no hyphen in deflater either.

First Date
CAFE OR PUB FOR CHAT OR ANYTHING U WANT P.S. NEVER BEEN ON A INTERNET DATE BEFORE SO YOU COULD BE THE ONE TO POP MY CHERRY HA HA!

HA! HA! Indeed! Laugh? Um. No, not really. Bet you laughed though. Until the nice nurse brought your medication.

More later.....

Okay, a bit about me.

I'm 37, was with my child's father for 16 years. Relationship ended, another relationship followed. When that ended, I paused, licked my wounds and decided to get myself out there. Where do you meet people when all your friends are happily coupled off, when you wouldn't touch the people you work with with the proverbial barge pole, and you just don't fancy trawling bars on your own like some sad old hooker? The internet.

I admit that I originally wrote a profile for a bit of a boost to my self-esteem. Being dumped does that to you. I'm not bitter about it (really) - he wasn't a bad guy, and I wish him no ill whatsoever. It just didn't work out. Sh*t happens.

Anyway, I wrote a profile. It made me laugh - sad, but true. It wasn't entirely serious, but I made the effort. I looked at other women's profiles, stifled several yawns at the cliched predictableness (that's probably not even a word) of them all and set to work. It was honest, it was lengthy, it was (and still is) damned funny. Nothing on earth could have prepared me for some of the social misfits that responded. More about that later.

Going to be writing about the wonderful male profiles I've stumbled across shortly. Oh, the guys whose picture features them holding a dead fish. The endless motorbike pictures. The grainy out of focus phone-cam pics. The weird angle web cam pictures. And the ones where they're wearing a hat and sunglasses. Red flags, each and every one.

And don't even get me started on the guy with dwarfism who emailed me. Actually do - it made me snort in a vaguely horrified/vaguely hysterical way.

I have, for the first time, dipped my dainty tootsies in the freak show that is Internet Dating. So surprised and aghast am I at the downright weirdness of it, I thought I had to write a blog. Some of the contacts I've had have made me shudder in horror, laugh hysterically or reach for the restraining order. It's only right to share them. I also intend having a rant about the things that I really really hate about profiles. The things that make you click that back button as fast as you possibly can.

Perhaps it'll serve as tips for men in what women don't want to see in a profile, or perhaps it'll just entertain me.